Peace & Calm

Tall. Handsome and Charming. Evidently, always smiling. You were dressed down in your usual Jeans and a t-shirt apparel. Sneakers, a hat and hoodie to complement your mood. If I didn’t know you better, I would say you probably walked off a basketball court before boarding that plane to come visit.

Seven hour flight. I was impatient to see you. I watched you come through customs and couldn’t retain myself from jumping. Finally you were here.  I rushed to you with no hesitation, hoping your hugs still felt the same. In the last ten years, i could count the number of times I felt them.  I didn’t see you much, life kept you busy, but every time I did it was pure joy.

Four years it had been since the last visit. Yet, I still I remembered your fragrance. It was now lingering on my jacket. I remembered how it often kept me safe through those early years. Knowing you were always there when I needed you most.

Tonight we would celebrate. I would cook and you would eat. Music, dance and sports. Your passions. Tonight you would tell me all about your future plans. I would convince you to finally make the move from Europe to Canada; your family was here. Tonight I would thank God for bringing you back alive, for keeping you safe for three years now, for allowing you to survive.

You were safe and sound – I would never let you take another plane in this lifetime. Tonight I had you to myself.

I woke up from a dream this morning and in that dream I saw you. This morning I was at peace; because in that dream you were still the same man I missed. Tall, Handsome and Charming. Somehow your message to me was clear.  I couldn’t turn back the hands of time; no matter how hard i tried. But I could keep your memory alive and spend time with you in my dreams. You brought me Peace & Calm this morning.  In that world that simply belonged to us we could talk, laugh and cry like we often did on those weekends over the phone.

I want to dream every night and visit a new place with you  – I love you Peace & Calm.

The Stages of Grief

I know a lot of you are wondering why post this here? why post this now? why share what seems so personal?.... some of you have told me that some of my emotions and thoughts are very personal. My answer is simple.... this is my therapy, this is my way of dealing. These are my words to him, so if every day he can look at this and know that I never stop thinking about him, then my world is alright. If those close to me can know the feelings that i have battled and that I continue to fight - if someone else can find comfort in my words, or even if someone else can understand, then yes my words will have served a purpose. So.... here it goes

This a series of posts on: The Stages of grief.

The stages are as follows:

DENIAL, ANGER, FEAR, GUILT, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE

"Grief is like an ocean: its deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night; Quiet, Persistent, Unfair."

STAGE 1. THE EMOTION: DENIAL
You wake up one morning,
And your loved one is no more.
YOu apprehend the news with no real conviction.
He will walk out of that forest,
Injured perhaps;
But, he will walk out my dear brother.

THE SETTING:

It was about 7 am on Saturday May 5th when I first heard the news that the airplane he had boarded that night was missing. As I heard MC say the words; "it would seem the plane your brother was in is missing…" I fell to the floor before he had even finished his sentence. I was frantic, I rushed to the desktop to try and google this apparent news - in my head i was thinking "this guy must be making this all up". As I approached the computer; Internet explorer was already opened up to a BBC news story with headline 'Kenyan plane crashes in Cameroun' and on the right hand corner there was the face of my dad; the caption read: "Worried friends and relatives are gathering at Kenya's main airport".

I broke down for all of 2 seconds as Lex held me - I must have been dreaming - but her eyes told me otherwise. Just as suddenly I regained my spirits and began to call my closet relatives - either to confirm the news or to be strong for them (or a little of both). I shared words of comfort and encouragement and got ready to join my siblings in Ottawa. It wouldn't be long before I got the call telling me that the plane had crash landed somewhere close to the airport; at least that’s what I kept repeating to myself. I took my bus around 2pm that same day and fell into a sleepless coma on the 2 hour bus ride.

I arrived at our family home at around 4.30pm to find friends and family; talking and closely watching the news for any updates. Optimism was key. The news however droned pessimism every step of the way. On Sunday May 6th at 5am, the news was confirmed, the images were released and the nightmare became reality. At that point I became numb, I lost all sense of realism and from that moment I began utter denial. I tried to fall asleep every hour; and every time I woke up, the news hadn't changed. "Cameroon air crash site located" - the words: debris, mangrove, no survivors kept ringing in my head. And yet; I knew PC was walking somewhere in that forest trying to...

Fluggy's We are alright

Hi everyone,

It’s been more than two years that our beloved PC left this earth. And as many of you know, life has been somewhat different since that day. But you guys have been there to help me, and the family, pull through those hard times. You’ve been so helpful that I felt that I needed to express my appreciation in a special way. What better way to do so than to offer you a song?

I know some of you might have been waiting for this for quite some time now; to you I say this: I do apologize for the wait. Hope you’ll enjoy it!

Once again, thank you!

God bless.

Eric/Fluggy

...

"He who does not weep does not see" Les Miserables

A special thought for you brings me here today...
I miss you,
I love you
And everyday the absence of your presence becomes a dawning reality. The only thing that often keeps me going is that I look up and imagine you smiling down on me, not that it gets any easier but it certainly gets bearable....

Recent news from Cameroun

http://www.cameroon-info.net/cmi_show_news.php?id=23284#

Memorial Service

Dear All,

On May 5th, it will be a year since Pierre Christian left us. The Ouandji family will be organizing a memorial mass in his name in Nairobi Kenya at their residence probably on May 3rd 2008 (the date will be confirmed later). We as a family promised ourselves to always celebrate his life... In this light, we are currently preparing a small video of his life (photos, testimonials etc). We would like all those who remember him or who have something to say to send us your words, testimonies, pictures to the following email ninaouandji@gmail.com so that we may compile it on a DVD. We thank you for the support and continued words of encouragement. If you are in Nairobi in May, we invite you to join us...All the very best in your endeavors,

Nina Ouandji

joyeux anniversaire

Il aurait eu 28 ans aujourd'hui...