The Stages of Grief

I know a lot of you are wondering why post this here? why post this now? why share what seems so personal?.... some of you have told me that some of my emotions and thoughts are very personal. My answer is simple.... this is my therapy, this is my way of dealing. These are my words to him, so if every day he can look at this and know that I never stop thinking about him, then my world is alright. If those close to me can know the feelings that i have battled and that I continue to fight - if someone else can find comfort in my words, or even if someone else can understand, then yes my words will have served a purpose. So.... here it goes

This a series of posts on: The Stages of grief.

The stages are as follows:

DENIAL, ANGER, FEAR, GUILT, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE

"Grief is like an ocean: its deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night; Quiet, Persistent, Unfair."

STAGE 1. THE EMOTION: DENIAL
You wake up one morning,
And your loved one is no more.
YOu apprehend the news with no real conviction.
He will walk out of that forest,
Injured perhaps;
But, he will walk out my dear brother.

THE SETTING:

It was about 7 am on Saturday May 5th when I first heard the news that the airplane he had boarded that night was missing. As I heard MC say the words; "it would seem the plane your brother was in is missing…" I fell to the floor before he had even finished his sentence. I was frantic, I rushed to the desktop to try and google this apparent news - in my head i was thinking "this guy must be making this all up". As I approached the computer; Internet explorer was already opened up to a BBC news story with headline 'Kenyan plane crashes in Cameroun' and on the right hand corner there was the face of my dad; the caption read: "Worried friends and relatives are gathering at Kenya's main airport".

I broke down for all of 2 seconds as Lex held me - I must have been dreaming - but her eyes told me otherwise. Just as suddenly I regained my spirits and began to call my closet relatives - either to confirm the news or to be strong for them (or a little of both). I shared words of comfort and encouragement and got ready to join my siblings in Ottawa. It wouldn't be long before I got the call telling me that the plane had crash landed somewhere close to the airport; at least that’s what I kept repeating to myself. I took my bus around 2pm that same day and fell into a sleepless coma on the 2 hour bus ride.

I arrived at our family home at around 4.30pm to find friends and family; talking and closely watching the news for any updates. Optimism was key. The news however droned pessimism every step of the way. On Sunday May 6th at 5am, the news was confirmed, the images were released and the nightmare became reality. At that point I became numb, I lost all sense of realism and from that moment I began utter denial. I tried to fall asleep every hour; and every time I woke up, the news hadn't changed. "Cameroon air crash site located" - the words: debris, mangrove, no survivors kept ringing in my head. And yet; I knew PC was walking somewhere in that forest trying to...